thywarrior2013and2025

(Triggers – Depression, Anxiety, Cancer, Fibromyalgia, Asthma)

I did not choose to have CANCER again after 12 years. Not knowing if we can cure it again.

I did not choose to get illness induced asthma after COVID. Not being able to take a deep breath as my body feels it is sick with this cancer in me. Running out of breath  simply walking from my car into work or from my classroom to the bathroom. Feeling as if I can’t breath at all at times which is scary as F*%$.

I did not choose to get FIBROMYALGIA with it’s never ending list of symptoms (ongoing pain, migraines, bathroom issues, bone pain, whole body swelling, overheated to freezing in the snap of a finger, lack of appetite where I barely eat much anymore, etc.). To know that it will never leave me and that the symptoms change day to day.

I did not choose to barely make it through my teaching day which is normally 7:30-5. To wonder if I will make it to my truck after work due to the pain, breathing difficulties and feeling like my body is cement and I can not even move. To struggle around school and to not be able to have the energy to game with the Game Club students at lunch.

I did not choose to sit in my truck before work and cry as I am afraid of the pain I will incur from going to work. 

I did not choose to sit in my truck after work and cry as I in fact do hurt so bad I fear getting home safely. 

I did not choose to fall asleep crying after work fully clothed, to wake & eat a bit, & then fall asleep again at 7:00 or 8:00 PM as sleep is all I can handle. To miss time with my husband, miss time reading or playing games on tv. To then sleep 12 hours and cry upon waking at the time I feel I wasted.

I did not choose to be forced to sit and rest so my pain lessens on my off days. To not be able to work out as I want. To not be able to go places I want as if I do not rest I won’t make it to work then next day.

I did not choose finally falling asleep to wake and then NOT be able to go back to sleep many nights. My mind in a neverending reel of ‘What ifs…. Did I finish…. I need to do….’ thoughts.

I did not choose this never ending feeling that my world is gone forever. That this anxiety and depression won’t ever leave. That these scared feelings will never leave. The horrendous fear that I am failing at my life.

I did not choose any of this. This is NOT living. This is barely surviving.

Yet…

I DO CHOOSE my husband who gives me endless support and love. Who sits with me as I cry, who calms my anxiety attacks, who cooks delicious gluten free healthy meals for me – researching new recipes that will be good for me right now. Who makes me yummy iced coffee in delicious mixes even when he hates coffee. Who reminds me that we have only been together 7 years and married for 2 years and that we have a LOT OF TIME left together and lots of things to still do. Who reminds me to not give up.

I DO CHOOSE my parents who help me as much as they can and who are always there if I need them. My Mom who watches Hallmark movies with me when I can stay awake and who leaves me notes with the names of good ones to watch if I fall asleep. My Dad who in his own quiet way supports me through all the decisions I make in this difficult time. 

So to everyone out there with even ONE of the many illnesses I have PLEASE remember what you do have. What you do choose. For while the bad definitely outweighs the good while we are fighting for our lives the good means more. So much more. For it is the good and the people who love us that give us strength to fight. A reason to fight. 

For me? I choose to fight all of this, to live through it, to enjoy the little moments every day, to come out stronger than before, to have my time here on earth to do what I want to do, to not feel so much pain-anger-fear every day. I choose to give myself permission to lean on my family as needed, to accept help when needed, to use mobility aids when needed without feeling less than so that I can truly LIVE in the future no matter what I may still be fighting.